Black Diamond Run

The adventures have continued to accumulate since my last blog. Last week, after skiing a run two or three times successfully (i.e. no falls) in -20°C, I checked the sign and realized that I had just skied my first black diamond run EVER. Okay, it was in tiny Camp Fortune and was probably equivalent to a very short intermediate run on any of the big mountains, but I was thrilled. After only two outings, I'm already a big girl skier!

On the opposite end of the weather spectrum, January 22 I experienced a fifty degree temperature change in one day as I went from -24°C in Ottawa to +26°C in Cancun. This was my second trip to Mexico in my lifetime, and also this winter. Sheer decadence.

You might also notice that there's a man with me in the photo, a very nice man named Cliff. I've been trying to shake him off for half a year now. I thought moving 4,611 kilometres away would do that, but despite the distance and a pretty wild emotional ride and even getting bucked off a couple of times, he hung in there like a rodeo rider, or a very, very good friend. I was finding it rather difficult to let go of him, too.

Cliff is active and outdoorsy, adventurous, playful, very intelligent, supportive, funny, plays guitar and sings, gives great massages, plays hockey, is sexy as all get out… and thank goodness, just like me, he has some weak points, so we get to be vulnerable and messy together. Through our interactions, I've been getting to see both his fears and my fears. I'm very glad that we've been taking things so slowly. The distance has provided time to reflect, settle in, opportunities to shift old patterns; time to learn about who he is (so much more than what I could have anticipated), and to see myself differently. It's been a gift.

Before I continue, I want to acknowledge that a number of people close to me, including everyone in my immediate family, are dealing with big issues and transitions right now. It really puts my stuff in perspective, and I have a huge amount of respect for how each of them are dealing with their situations. They are all role models in their own way.

Which leads to the next adventure: By the end of March, I will be back on the west coast! Unfortunately, this move isn't being precipitated just by warm, mushy, happy feelings (although those are present). In fact, it's been more immediately driven by the fact that I got fired.

I'm trying to to treat getting fired as factually as "I have a plumbing problem in my bathroom." Either I fix the problem myself and ask people to let me know if they see a leak again; or I know generally what needs to be done and and that I need help to deal with it; or it's a bigger problem than I can deal with by myself and I call a plumber. Seeing it that impersonally is helping me diminish the shame, see other options, and deal with the situation more effectively. In this case, I'm taking the middle option -- taking action and asking for help. I've been working this week on re-evaluating my values, revisioning my future, redefining my objectives, beginning to research options, and to search for work. I've been asking people on the west coast for informational and networking interviews, and will continue to reach out for referrals and references. (Thank you very much to everyone who has responded to date!) My coach was generous enough to make time for an extra session, and I'm very grateful to have her support through this next transition. (Thank you, Jeanne!) I'm open to other help and suggestions, too, if any of you have them to offer!

I wasn't the only player in the conflux of events that led to the termination of my contract, but as I have no control over the other elements I'll limit my reflections to my contributions. As far as I can see, there were basically two.

1. Although I wanted very much to do great work and leave the project in a good place when I departed, in my heart-of-hearts I did not want to be here in Ottawa for the full length of the contract. I had competing commitments. There were times when I'm sure the heart-of-hearts end of the spectrum was perceptible to my boss.
2. Those competing commitments generated guilt and anxiety, and as a result there were a couple instances when I was unskillful in my interactions. Anxiousness to prove myself, which is really the old fear that I won't be good enough, can cause me to come across stronger than I intend. It also keeps me pushing forward instead of stepping back and reflecting on the bigger picture. Although I did some very good work for the organization, because I got hijacked by guilt and anxiety I made mistakes, too.

I have a strong tendency to try to hide my weak points. Paradoxically, it's more often when I'm up front about them that I gain people's trust and respect, and feel more respect for myself (after I get over the initial shame and terror). I'm really hoping that's true here. The fact is that other people probably already see my weaknesses, and in trying to hide them I'm like an ostrich with my head in the sand -- and my butt waggling in the air, as my good friend Katie pointed out when I read this to her.

My biggest learning, not just through this event but in the past few months, has been about the competing commitments between what I know in my heart-of-hearts and what I think I SHOULD do / think / feel. I've seen how much I've second guessed myself, tried to rationalize myself into feeling differently, and looked for others' approval of my choices, until finally during one coaching session I saw it. What the hell? This is MY life! And I'm an adult -- I get to CHOOSE. It's up to me where and how I want to live, and I don't have to feel guilty about making that decision. (Thank you, Raf!)

I've had wonderful adventures here, met dear new friends, and gotten to know a great city. The time with my sister, brother-in-law, nephew and niece has been absolutely invaluable -- it makes the whole adventure worthwhile. What I've learned in being here is where my heart is. I know that the move back will be a transition in itself, that there will be tough days and that I will miss family and friends who are here. And I also know that I am fully committed to being on the west coast, working on the west coast, having new adventures, and continuing to approach life as a grand experiment. As Billy Jean King said, "Be bold. If you're going to make an error, make a doozy and don't be afraid to hit the ball."

Copyright © 2011 Lynn Thorsell, All rights reserved.