A few of you recently reminded me that it’s been a few weeks since I last blogged, and you’re wondering where I am and what’s happening. I am flattered that you have enjoyed reading the blogs and care about me enough that you are prodding me, and very grateful to still be connected with you all through this transition.
Although my belongings are in Ottawa now, I am not. The first few days there, I enjoyed being stationary, caught up on sleep, and settled into being with family. I also had two wonderful meetings with a friend of a former client’s (thank you, Nicole!) and with a second cousin, both of whom have experienced big moves, think of Vancouver as a second home, and were very welcoming and informative about life and work in Ottawa. Those two meetings were lifelines to me in beginning to feel connected to this city.
After five days in Ottawa, my mom, sister, brother, nephew, nieces and I left for a whirlwind visit to New York. What can I say about the Big Apple? I grew up on a farm, I love being outdoors, and I sometimes find the hubbub of a strange city overwhelming – but I LOVED New York. There were so many wonderful sights, tastes, sounds, and experiences. Three days was just enough time to know what I would want to do when I return. You can see photos of our visit here: http://picasaweb.google.ca/thorsell.lm/NewYorkNewYork#
Back in Ottawa, cousins welcomed us to their farm near Carleton Place for a barbecue and tractor ride; one of my nieces and I spend a day at a nearby waterpark; the men (my brother in particular) gave my Jeep much tender, loving care; and we celebrated an anniversary and two birthdays. Then I jumped on a plane back to the west coast.
I came here was to fulfill a pact made last summer to spend an annual weekend with five of my luscious LIOS women friends. This year’s retreat was on Salt Spring Island at the beautiful home of one classmate’s parents. Great company, delicious food, silly antics, morning meditations, a kayak trip, and a beautiful island to explore – it was all I could ask for. Yet I felt a bit outside, not as happy and connected as I would have been even a few weeks before, one foot in another world.
That’s been a common experience the past couple months. I have felt unsettled with myself, emotionally distant, irritable, or just plain lost. I haven’t always been able to be a good friend to people who have been good to me. These aren’t all-the-time experiences, but frequent enough to be a trend, and disconcertingly unpredictable. I have been completely happy and at home cooking over a campfire at a remote lake on Vancouver Island, or sitting in a kayak anywhere, but prickly and uncomfortable in more familiar places.
My summer has continued to be nomadic – I began writing this on a bus and am finishing it on a sailboat. After leaving Salt Spring Island, I met a friend at Swartz Bay and spent ten wonderful days camping and exploring from Sombrio Beach to Campbell River to the Nootka Sound – places I’d never seen before. After we parted, I returned to Salt Spring for a sail with Ross and Gina, spent three nights in Victoria with Cait, Corey, Carolyn, and Derek, and am now savouring another short sail with Alan and Eduarda near Cowichan Bay.
Earlier this week, I called my brother in tears, saying how ironic it was that last year at this time, newly separated and about to lose the home I loved, I felt so happy and joyful, while this year, travelling, being with people dear to me, with good health and relatively few concerns, I am having crying jags and feeling so out of sorts. It was so helpful to hear him reflect back to me the limbo that I’m in, and his faith in my ability to ride this river of changes through to calmer waters.
I talked with a few other friends that day, too, who reminded me that sometimes there is nothing to do but go through the experience as mindfully as possible, that, although it may feel painful and I may not recognize it, there is a healing happening. From his extensive travelling experience, Derek talked about the tendency to cling to the people, places, and times that we associate with happiness, love, and connection, when what is required is to keep relinquishing each day’s experience, each chapter of life, and to move on to the next with faith and intention.
At times, I’ve questioned my decision to travel this month, wondering whether I shouldn’t instead be in Ottawa being responsible and putting down roots. After talking with Derek, I see these travels not just as recreation, but as a practice – a practice in moving through life’s changes with acceptance, expressiveness, and grace.
Since those conversations, connections, and tears I have felt much more peaceful and happy. At the moment, I am sitting in Tabinta’s cockpit anchored off Charlie’s Cove. The water is calm, there’s a gentle breeze, blue sky is breaking through the clouds. My uncle, who earlier made omelets with crab leftover from last night’s dinner, is lying reading in the hammock on the foredeck where I slept last night. In an hour or two, we’ll get in the kayaks and paddle to Genoa Bay.
To those of you who have been on the receiving end of my moods and disgruntledness, please accept my heartfelt apologies. I wish that I could have been with you differently, and don’t know even yet that I can. I’m still practicing.
May we all be safe from inner and outer harm. May our bodies serve us well. May we be happy and accept ourselves just as we are. May we take care of ourselves joyfully.
Copyright © 2010 Lynn Thorsell, All rights reserved.
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