The Rollercoaster

What emotion haven't I experienced this week? Happiness, fear, anger, sadness, deep remorse, contentment, anxiety, delight, calm, grief, fear, etc. The death throes of an emotional demon? PMS? Perimenopause? Just a typical emotional arc in this major life transition?

What I do know is how wrung out I feel. Also that when I finally sat down and worked through some of the Taming Your Gremlin exercises today, they helped immediately in getting more centred and grounded.

On the positive end of the spectrum, the job interview I had on Wednesday went very well. The recruiter called me the next day to tell me I was a strong candidate and that she would be checking my references. I hope to be discussing a start date, etc. tomorrow -- fingers crossed!

The job is a one-year contract to do competency modeling in the area of eHealth. I am excited about the project, and have felt daunted about making a one-year commitment to being here. But Friday while walking in the woods in Gatineau Park, I had the thought that a year from now I could be walking through these beautiful woods surrounded by the final colours of fall and preparing to return to the west coast for the winter. I realized I felt quite content with that possibility -- not panicked as I have been. I stopped to watch two hawks circling, feeling good to be there.

A friend (I now have one here to whom I'm not related!) and her boyfriend invited me to their house on Saturday evening! That I can even say that I now have a friend here makes me feel so happy. They made me a lovely dinner, plied me with drinks, and then took me to the Elmdale Tavern where the owner was celebrating his birthday with an ad hoc Rolling Stones cover band. $5 cover charge, and I have to say, I enjoyed it more than the real thing. The musicians were some of the most unlikely looking people to play the Stones, and they rocked it! One paunchy granddaddy maintained a completely cool demeanor while picking the hottest, fastest jaw-dropping lead riffs. A nerdy high school science teacher, black glasses and hunched shoulders, played some super-mean bottleneck slide. The stocky vocalist who stuttered during a breaktime chat had the Mick accent and attitude completely down. We lapped it up.

Also on the positive side, my sister and I are training for a 10k run on New Year's Eve. We had two training runs this weekend, a 3k and a 6k. Running is such a lift, even when I have to drag my butt out of bed after a late night and it's only a couple degrees above freezing. So worth it.

One of the principles I learned in coaching was that we often perpetuate the very things that we most dread or abhor in our lives. I've talked about that before in this blog, and I noticed it again this week as, beset by confusion, loneliness and fear, I aggressively pushed away a good friend. I have done my best to repair the damage, but damage was done and I still feel sick about that. Where did all my good LIOS training go? What happened to checking the other person's intention? That incident in itself has been a blight on the week.

As the incident above shows, amidst the good times, I've had unpredictable bouts of grief and fear. Another of those overwhelmed me today about an hour after the morning run, a time when I would typically be feeling clearer and calmer. When I got home, I dove into some of the Taming Your Gremlin exercises that I have been reading about but not yet doing. One of these was a long meditation focused on a loved one. I chose to do this thinking of my sister. After the exercise, I noticed how fear and loneliness put the focus on whether people care about me, a very self-absorbed and powerless place to be, while meditating on love shifts my focus to how I could be show more love and care to others -- much more productive. I suspect I already know many people who practice that.

I am feeling the talons of anxiety in my back again after writing this. I hope that the next couple days will bring more certainty about work, money, and plans for November. Whether or not that happens, though, I will keep up the gremlin taming and practicing love. One step at time.

P.S.
I did some more gremlin taming after writing this, and it works! :- ) I am definitely a fan.


Copyright © 2010 Lynn Thorsell, All rights reserved.