Year Three

Early in February, my mom told me her doctors had found a mass in one of her lungs. A biopsy confirmed it was cancer. Neither she, my dad or step dad are smokers, so you can imagine what a shock this was for everyone, my mom especially.

After many tests, she had surgery on May 20th and they removed most of her right lung. Six days later, she was home from the hospital, the stitches were out, and the treatment, other than some exercises to rebuild her lung capacity, seems to be over. She’s taking afternoon naps, not lifting heavy things, has gotten a housekeeper, and is otherwise back to her normal activities. The happiness and relief I feel about this makes every day seem sunnier and brighter.

Life has been a whirlwind since I got back to Vancouver on March 5. I quickly became submerged in finding and starting a new job (I’ve been with WorkSafeBC over two months now), re-engaging with the local organizational development community, and helping Cliff with home renovations.

When I first arrived, Cliff apologetically told me that he and his son Christopher were just about to refinish the living, dining, and hall ceiling, a section of which looked like it had been damaged for many years. I joked that he was trying to make me feel at home, as my siblings and I grew up in an enormous home renovation project. (When he heard about Cliff’s reno’s, my brother made exactly the same joke.) I even offered to help with the project, since I wasn’t working yet.

Of course, one thing led to another. While tackling the ceiling, Cliff realized the attic was poorly insulated, so we spent a couple days rectifying that. Then there was the wall of wood paneling in the living room — might was well replace that with drywall, and that meant repainting everything. And since we already had the furniture out of the way, Cliff was convinced to refinish the hardwood floors, too, although that meant clearing all the bedrooms, which also needed to be painted … and wouldn’t some crown moulding make it all look great?

What we thought was going to be a two-week project turned into three months. We were extremely fortunately to have Christopher and eventually Rick working on the project — both very skillful craftsmen. There were times when we were disheartened, frustrated, exhausted, even angry and scared; and also times when we were focused, playful, elated, and celebratory.

Happily, even through the nuttiness of living in a home in disruption and returning from work every evening and weekend for weeks to sand, prime, and paint — and on top of that, finding and learning a new job, adjusting to living in the same house as someone who I’d previously seen every couple of weeks or months, who was used to having his own space and time and privacy, and hosting many out-of-town guests — even through all of that disorder and change and uncertainty, Cliff and I grew closer and decided to extend our living arrangement indefinitely.

[Okay, okay, I have to eat some crow here. I know some of you — those to whom I protested many times that this was absolutely positively just a fling, just temporary, nothing serious, and finally, “I’m only going to stay there for a few weeks” — are thinking, “I told you so!” I humbly and happily acknowledge that you were much better predictors of how this was going to go than I have been.]

A couple weekends ago, two dear friends of mine from Ottawa, Laura and Annika, both happened to be in Vancouver, and I got to have short, delicious visits with them both. There was a party in Seattle that Saturday for the next class of LIOS graduates, so I was leaving right after lunch with Annika to celebrate their achievement and spend the night there. Saturday morning, the movers called to say that the truck with all my personal belongings had arrived from Ottawa. Could they deliver it all at 1:00? I changed plans with Annika so that she and I would be at the house when my stuff arrived. She and her friend Terri got there to find me in tears, being comforted by Cliff, upset over a transaction with the movers.

Annika and Terri’s company got me into a much better frame of mind, Cliff left to watch hockey, and I drove south to the Doubletree Inn, Tukwila, Washington. How wonderfully sweet to be with all the soon-to-be-graduates dressed to the nines and warmly welcoming me into their fold. I remembered them all from the first residential conference they attended, as uncertain as I had been on my first day about what to expect from this program, and here they were at the end of it, giddily gorged with the richness of their experiences.

Many alumni talk about the continued impact of the LIOS program the year after graduation. As I celebrated the many and impressive achievements of this amazing group of students, I realized everything in my life that was pulled apart two years ago had come back together, and that I was also celebrating the end of my “Year 3”.

After a nomadic sixteen months, I am resettled in the city where I started, emerging into a new life, work, and relationship. Mom is well again, I am connected with so many incredibly beautiful people, and every day I see more and more what an amazing person Cliff is. Walking home after work, I look around and realize that these are MY neighbours, this is where I LIVE, and that the dreams I had setting out two years ago have all come true.

Copyright © 2011 Lynn Thorsell, All rights reserved.

Greetings from Ottawa

Seattle was so good to me. It felt so easy to be back there with my classmates; so many people generously welcomed me into their homes and hearts again. My only regret was that my time at each place felt too short. Jolene and I explored birthday love signs and the U of W farmer's market; most of my graduating class congregated at Jessa's Vachon Island home Saturday for a barbecue and bonfire; Mary and Bruce swept me off to a rusticly beautiful bed and breakfast; Carol, Helen, Erica, Mary and I shared a great dinner Sunday night and then savoured Eat, Pray, Love together; Heather, Lauren, John and Brian spent a sweet and savoury evening at Katie and Tom's with me; Katie and I had some great conversations and spent a glorious afternoon hiking, swimming and sunbathing at beautiful Lake Twentytwo.

On my way back north to Vancouver, I stopped in South Surrey to spend a night with Joan Mara, a LIOS adjunct faculty member and fellow OD consultant. It was such a pleasure to relax, talk, and walk with her, meet two of her three sons, and get to know her better. I particularly appreciated her reading my Tarot cards by candlelight on her patio late in the evening. The images of the future, as murky as they were, felt comforting.

My time in Vancouver was very short. I wrapped up some business, had lunch with Craig, and -- finally! -- hiked the Grouse Grind. The Grind is a 2.9 km (1.8 mile) hike with 2,830 stairs up a 30 degree slope -- short but challenging! Although I was soaked with sweat and pushing myself to keep pace, when I saw the finish I got a burst of adrenaline and ran the last few metres. My friend and I reached the summit in 1:01:30 -- what a great feeling! And the view was astonishingly beautiful. I was so glad I did it before leaving the west coast.

After such a stellar August, it is perhaps not surprising that the return to Ottawa to finally set down roots has felt challenging. My sister, brother-in-law, nephew and niece have been super welcoming and very understanding of my moods. I'm very grateful to be staying with them; it would feel much harder if I were on my own. Other things that have been very helpful:

• my morning exercise routine, even on the days when I've practically had to whip myself to do it
• playing guitar
• lovingkindness meditations
• hugs (thank you, Aïsha!)
• having a cry when I need it
• making contact with people to whom I've been virtually introduced
• the two meetup.com outings I've been on: It's felt so good to get out, do something fun, and socialize with people.

Most of my attention this past week has been on getting somewhat settled and letting people know I'm here, interspersed with two great lunches with my sister. The theme of the coming week will be Finding Work. I'm sure it's also going to be a huge help to be employed again and focusing on something besides my little life. I am also going to start calling people on the west coast and doing a better job of keeping in touch.

I hope that you are all well and safe and happy. Please call or write anytime. If you don't have my new cell phone number, let me know and I'll send it to you.

Here's a quote I've been thinking of today. It's so far away from where I am right now, but nonetheless I find it helpful.

As a bee seeks nectar from all kind of flowers, seek teachings everywhere. Like a deer that finds a quiet place to graze, seek seclusion to digest all that you have gathered. Like a madman beyond all limits, go wherever you please and live like a lion completely free of all fear. - Ancient Tibetan text

Copyright © 2010 Lynn Thorsell, All rights reserved.

July 12 and 13: Home Stretch

While I appreciated having a shower in a real bathroom and being able to charge all my electrical devices, I found that I much preferred sleeping in a tent to the motel. I woke partway through the night and, after lying in bed for an hour, got up and went for a walk along the dark, empty highway. Even though I was with my mom, tonight I felt lonely. I sat in the Jeep and meditated. As I finally returned to the motel room for a couple more hours of sleep, other guests were outside getting ready for an early departure.

When I did get up, I was committed to swimming in Lake Superior and doing some yoga before beginning our drive. I hadn't done any exercise the day before, and consequently found the time in the car more uncomfortable. An abandoned service station and a few cottages were across the highway from the motel. I trespassed through one unoccupied lot to find a big, beautiful stretch of sandy beach and the clean, clear waters of Lake Superior.

The sand under the water was rippled like the ocean shore. While the tidal action on Lake Superior and Lake Winnipeg is minute -- only a few centimetres -- seiches create larger ebbs and flows. Paddling deeper into the enormous lake, I had to keep reminding myself that the water was fresh, not salty. The swim felt glorious.

I returned to shore and began yoga practice. Ouch. Ouch. Little flies bit my legs. I tried batting them away, but it interfered too much with the yoga. I tried ignoring them, thinking that the little bites only hurt for a nanosecond. I tried moving into the shallow water to escape them. Aaaagh! Finally, I gave up and retreated to collect my things. Insect repellent is apparently a pre-requisite for enjoying Ontario's great outdoors. Days later, my legs still itch and look like I have a mild case of measles.

Mom and I breakfasted at the Voyageur Cookhouse and continued our drive. When we were at Lake Winnipeg, I was surprised to see American white pelicans flying to their nests in the evening. Mom saw a small black bear disappearing into the bush soon after we entered Ontario. Since then, we've seen other wildlife, too: Racoon, deer, skunk, porcupine, beaver -- all lying in a dilapidated state on the highway. This may explain the abundance of turkey vultures.

We stopped for a picnic lunch in a village by Lake Huron, where I swam again, then pushed on towards North Bay. Again, rain descended through the late afternoon and evening. When we reached North Bay, I hoped to grab a quick drive-through meal and then find a campsite. Surprisingly, we could see very few fast food options from the highway. We followed the signs to downtown, but could only find one restaurant and a couple pizza delivery store fronts. It was dark, I was tired and got lost trying to find the highway again. We stopped and asked directions at a senior's home.

Back at the highway, we decided to get a room at the Travelodge and ask there about eating options. They directed us to Don Cherry's Sportsbar in a small stripmall next door. Many tiny towns on the prairies and in Ontario had signs proudly proclaiming them to be the home of some young professional hockey player, and the cafés often had news stories about these local heroes. How fittingly Canadian that our last supper on the road was eaten surrounded by photos of hockey stars of the past. Gordie Howe beamed down at us.

Again, I slept poorly indoors. I got up very early and finally did yoga practice in the hot, humid pool room. Mom and I showered, then went downstairs to eat. When we checked in we were told there was a hot breakfast. Hmm. This apparently referred to the the toaster for the bagels. Not what I envisioned. I am feeling grumpy and tired.

I'm sure that we did not see the best side of North Bay in our very short sojourn there. The next stop was Ottawa, and like horses nearing the barn we were eager to go. More rain drenched the roads, sometimes so heavily that I couldn't see the vehicles ahead. Traffic became denser, then slower. We were entering the first city we had driven through since Calgary! (Sorry, Regina. Your traffic just doesn't compare.) At 1:35, we turned off the highway (yippee!) into a residential neighborhood (phew!) and up to Karen and Salah's front door (sigh.)

I wish that I could say I was overjoyed to finally be here. What I was was exhausted. It felt good to get out of the Jeep. I devoured some left-over crepes for lunch, then lay down for a nap and a cry. I was overcome with nostalgia for the False Creek apartment I'd left in February, the last place that truly felt like home.

Somewhat rested, I recruited Mom and Karen into moving the contents of the U-Haul into the backyard shed. Initially we planned to just move some of it and leave the rest until Salah and Zachary (my nephew) were home to help, but when Karen realized how little there actually was, we plowed through and had everything unloaded by the time Salah arrived.

Salah guided me to the nearby U-Haul depot were the manager unhooked the empty trailer. For the first time in twelve days, the Jeep was free! The sixteen year old vehicle had clocked 304,477 kilometres pulling everything I owned across Canada, and never missed a beat. What a trooper.

Now the next chapter of this adventure begins. I don't know whether this will be my permanent home. It seems premature to commit that deeply. Really, the city and I have just started dating, so I'm thinking of Ottawa as my winter retreat.

Yesterday I had tea with a friend of a former client's who moved here from Vancouver three years ago, and had moved to Vancouver from Nova Scotia. Then I had dinner with a second cousin who moved to Vancouver for a job with the Olympic Committee, and moved back to Ottawa less than a year later. Both empathized with the challenges of making such a big move, both had great advice, and both said that they still think of Vancouver as another home, one to which they might return.

The downtown here is so completely different from any other city I've been in. There's an extensive area where an enormous stone building dominates each block -- government, hotels, consulates; all rather severe and intimidating. Then suddenly the streets break into lively stretches of restaurants, bars, cafés, and small shops in a hodgepodge of old and new. The Ottawa River marks the north edge of the city, backing the parliament buildings and marking the border with Quebec. The Rideau River and Canal cut up through the middle of the city, perpendicular to their larger cousin.

After a couple days' rest, I am enjoying being here and so appreciating being with my family. The weather is hot and humid, cicadas whine through the day and evening, there's a pool in the backyard -- it really feels like summer. A friend sent me the link to a graphic designer's rants that has had me in stitches (http://www.27bslash6.com/ -- warning: some rudity), and last night we watched a campy Canadian film called Invasion (it's original title was Top of the Food Chain) that was equally strange and hilarious. Laughter is good medicine. I feel ready for the adventure of getting to know my new home.

Next week: New York City!


Copyright © 2010 Lynn Thorsell, All rights reserved.

Friday, July 2: Day One on the Road

This morning was the moment of truth: Would all my stuff actually fit into that tiny U-Haul trailer? I met the two movers, Farrell and John, at the storage facility in North Delta at 9:30. We didn’t seem to be off to a great start. Farrell pulled me aside to tell me that if John seemed grumpy and unhelpful, it was because he hadn’t wanted to work today, but someone else had called in sick. Hmm. I was paying for two movers, wasn’t I? Then we opened the storage locker and John said, “Are you taking half of that?” “No,” I replied, “I’m hoping we can fit it all in.”

Just in case, I started by pulling to the side the things I would sacrifice if I had to. This was the third time I’d pared down, and it was getting tough. I strapped my second bicycle on the roof of the Jeep with the first one, resigned that neither would make it into the trailer.

Farrell took the lead at strategizing how to pack everything in as tightly as possible. John at least seemed to be willing, and more friendly than Farrell had suggested. I pitched in here and there, but after a while there was little I could do but get out of the way and watch. They were doing a great job. We started including some of the boxes I’d put on the side. Little by little, it was all squishing in. 

Success! There was just one box left, and I put it in the back of the Jeep. By 11:00, I was all packed.

Before getting on the highway, I took a detour to Gary’s Auto Wrecking in Maple Ridge to pick up a steering box for the Jeep. The mechanic shop had quoted me $725 to replace it. Gary’s got me a used part for $100 cash, no tax. (Maybe it helped that I was wearing their t-shirt). My brother Dave will swap it in, and I’ll save $600. Phew! Thanks, Dave.

At last I was on the road. Waiting to do something is so often harder than doing it. I left Vancouver happy that everything had gone so well, with no tears. (Okay, I had a cry in the shower in the morning, but I’m talking about after that.) The day was sunny and warm, and the Jeep was running beautifully. “Happy Trails” was playing in my head. (Thank you!) The mountains along the Coquihalla Highway were green and beautiful.

What to say about the drive? The iPod kept me entertained and awake. I listened to Reggie Ray’s dharma talks, then to Hank Williams III. There are always things to think about along the road, like how do you pronounce Pinaus Lake?

In Kamloops, I stopped to visit one of my classmates, Michelle McMaster. After so many sessions at the Doubletree Inn, it’s good to see people in their home environments; so interesting to see another side of them. Michelle made me tea and we each decompressed after our very different but busy days. We dined at a restaurant by the river, sitting on the patio and watching a couple kayakers launch from the dock. Then it was time to get back on the road. Michelle ensured that I got safely onto the right highway.

I decided to camp for the night closer to Vernon, where I would see my aunt and uncle the next morning. It was dark by the time I reached Falkland. I saw a promising side road and turned off in search of a quiet place to pull over and sleep. The road turned to gravel, which I took as a good sign that there would be little traffic here. A few miles up, I saw what I thought could be a promising treed area to pull up into. I started up a short hill only to find a locked gate. Drat. I would have to back up, something I avoid as much as possible with this pesky trailer. As I reversed down the short hill, I realized that my brakes were not as strong as the momentum of the loaded trailer. Park brake! Thank goodness the mechanic fixed that. Then came the task of trying to get the trailer on the right angle to get back onto the road instead of in the ditch, where it was headed. That meant the Jeep had to dip into the other ditch a bit. Thank goodness for 4x4! With adrenaline and some positive self talk, I managed to pull it off: A crash course in what not to do with a loaded trailer. Phew! I'm wondering how much of my stuff will be in one piece by the time I get to Ottawa.

I returned to a flat area on the side of the road 500 meters back and pulled over for the night, adventures for the day at an end.

Copyright © 2010 Lynn Thorsell, All rights reserved.