“Which is … the redemption of the travelers and their compulsion to tell tales. Their stories, when they are meaningful, are certainly not about the solitary traveler. They are about home, and the travelers’ relationship with it.” - p. 278, The Water in Between, Kevin Patterson
This week has been lonelier and harder than the last. I have found it more difficult to accomplish the tasks on my self-care list. Things unravel quickly -- I stay up late; am reluctant to get out of bed; try to compensate by doing some of the look-for-work or prep-for-errands tasks on the computer and phone; skip exercise; eat late; finally force myself to dress and shower; get a couple things done; go out to a social event to try to connect with people; come home feeling lonely; stay up late trying to connect with people on the west coast who are busy or away, in the midst of their own lives and worries; stay up late; skip meditation, etc., etc.
I keep learning how patterns of behaviour unintentionally reinforce unwanted cycles of events. In this case, feeling lonely --> sad --> cry --> isolate myself --> pry myself out of isolation --> go to social event --> find it difficult to connect with others (not surprising, given that my energy is low and I feel sad) --> feel lonely --> call or email --> others busy / bad timing --> feel lonely --> sad --> cry --> isolate myself, etc. It's a tragic and ironic cycle. I'm sure there are many, many other people who just need to be held and to have a good cry, yet it seems so hard to melt the fears and distance and social barriers and do that.
There have been breaks: Hugs with my sister, second-hand shopping with my niece, a chat with my nephew. I know that if I keep chipping away, connections will happen. If nothing else, I am, I hope, cultivating compassion for other travelers and life-levelers. And I recognize that although I may feel stripped down, I still have many blessings: my sister and her family, their hospitality, my health, a working vehicle to get around with. These are not trivial things.
It may not look like I am still traveling, but until I arrive again in a place that feels like home I will still feel like a nomad. I imagine that many people are invisible travelers, having lost one home and not yet found another. In its absence, I am certainly discovering the value of home for me.
Copyright © 2010 Lynn Thorsell, All rights reserved.
Stripped away ... layers of an onion ... in time the sweet core of pure essence & flavour will be revealed.
ReplyDeleteIn the mean time, that shedding if it goes on fora while, can feel like erosion ... and sometimes you ask how deep is this supposed to go? I believe that's a risk of of self driven leadership.
You are loved from the West while you find purchase in the East ...
I so remember those times and can offer you comfort in the knowing that in each journey of the soul there is a period of "walking through the valley of death" (loss) or retreat to the dessert, or "spirit quest"....to find oneself, we have to experience being stripped down to our core....who we are in that very dark lonely place is the ember we seek. Once revealed, that ember can receive the oxygen it needs to grow into the bright light that will guide you home. You are loved Lynn - sorry we missed each other this week. I'm around tonight if you want to call me on my cell...Love Helen
ReplyDeleteLynn, lots of people love you even though you can’t see it, because of time or distance or both. I know I do. As of yet I still have no life after school, so call anytime. And I still don't have my diploma, I sure want that closure. Love .. Rick
ReplyDeleteI understand what it feels to be a nomad. As I sit in this strange apartment in Kirkland, wondering what will happen to me. I also understand the energy it takes to accomplish what should be a simple task. I am trying to be gentle with myself at this time. It is really, really difficult to create a new life and patience and celebrating the small victories are crucial to getting through this time. This to will pass... and I hope you look back at this time with humor and grace. take care. xoxo Erica
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