Motoring or Sailing

I imagine that some people’s lives are like driving a motorboat. They have a destination in mind, they start their engines, and they set out towards it. They maneuver around obstacles, meet and surmount difficulties with relatively few diversions and a clear sense of direction.

Then there are people whose lives are more like sailing a ship. They, too, have a destination in mind, but in order to reach it they rely on elements over which they have no control, tacking and jibing, hoisting and reefing to wend their way closer and closer along an indirect and unpredetermined path, sometimes surprised by where their journey takes them. Their direction is governed by squalls of emotion and deep tidal currents they may struggle to read. But for the most part, if one attends to the wind and trims one's sails accordingly, the boat sings along.

This week for the first time since I landed in Ottawa I’m proud to say that I’ve had days when I have not cried. I’m finally able to find my way around on key routes and recognize landmarks – not easy in a city where roads change names and direction seemingly haphazardly. This growing familiarity means it takes me much less time to get things done. I have at times felt happy. Phew.

Then Friday morning I woke up and was overwhelmed by grief. I kept crying and crying and couldn’t feel a way out. I would get myself calm for a time, eat, take a business call, or meditate, but then the tears returned. Everything felt wrong. It was a beautiful fall day. I was supposed to go camping with my sister when she got home from work, but grief drowned any enthusiasm I would normally have for that. Deep mourning and confusion immersed me.

Just after noon, I finally forced myself to go for a run. How would I have gotten through this past year without running? I think of friends who are limited or debilitated by pain or illness and my heart goes out to them. Sometimes physical exertion is all that gets me through, the only thing that seems capable of shifting my mood or leading me to insight.

As I ran, the tears abated and the jumble of thoughts in my head finally fell into place. The day before two or three people told me that although they found moving to Ottawa difficult initially, they had now lived here for many years and loved it. They reassured me that whatever I might feel now, I would come to be at home here, too. At the time, I expressed relief and thanked them.

As I ran I realized that this was the source of my grief. I was having a violent reaction to the thought of making Ottawa home. Seeing this, I finally relaxed. “This is my life,” I thought, “and I don’t have to stay here. I can stay for nine months, a year, make the most of this time with Karen and her family, and then go back to the west coast.”

At this thought, I felt deeply comforted. I could now see the beauty of the day, appreciate everything good about Ottawa (and there is much of that). My enthusiasm for the camping trip returned. All was right in the world.

I guess I am not yet done with the west coast. I’m taken aback by the violence of emotion I have around that. I’ve navigated many changes in the past year, and I’m surprised that it is the idea of leaving the west coast permanently that seems the most intolerable. Yet when I honour that and think of this as a retreat rather than a permanent move, I am motivated to make the most of my time with my sister, nephew, niece and brother-in-law; to explore and appreciate Ottawa and environs and everything it has to offer. Things make sense again. I can ride this tack through Ottawa happily for a time, knowing my final port lies in another destination.

Copyright © 2010 Lynn Thorsell, All rights reserved.